The bible forgot to mention this, but on the eighth day, God bestowed upon us a modern-day miracle and created Ron DeSantis. And how do I know? Because the Florida Governor’s ad tells me so.
In an over-the-top, mawkish political ad that will have you cringing with every maudlin DeSantis photo illustrating God’s gift to the world, the ad’s narrator and future broadcaster of Gilead explains in all seriousness:
“And on the eighth day, God looked down on his planned paradise and said, ‘I need a protector.’
“So God made Him [DeSantis] a fighter. God said, ‘I need somebody willing to get up before dawn and kiss his family goodbye, travel thousands of miles for no other reason than to serve the people, to save their jobs, their livelihoods, their liberty, their happiness.’
“So God made a fighter…”
“God said, ‘I need a family man. A man who would laugh and then sigh and then reply with smiling eyes when his daughter says she wants to spend her life doing what dad does.’ So God made a fighter.”
The rest of the GQP ad continues to worship God’s secret second son. And we all know how well-received secret children are with MAGA folk. But, regrettably, the ad never explains why it took over two thousand years for God to complete such a crude project. And no, this ad was not accompanied by a Desilu-style laugh track.